CHRISTIAN LIVING IN THE HOME

Ephesians 5:22 - 6:9

Stuart Olyott

The apostle Paul has made it clear that Christians live differently from other people. When they are together, their behaviour contrasts sharply with the social behaviour of the unconverted (4:1-16). When they are surrounded by the men and women of the world in daily life, their conduct remains distinct (4:17 - 5:21). Paul is now going to tell us that they also live in a radically different way at home (5:22 - 6:9).

It is fairly easy to live the Christian life at church. It is much more difficult to do so in the world. But the hardest place of all to live as a Christian is at home. This is why the apostle comes to this subject last of all.

Paul's treatment of this subject is fairly lengthy, and it might surprise you to discover that this commentary will devote only one chapter to it. But we have already spoken about missing the wood for the trees. If we get engrossed in details, we shall perhaps not grasp the full force of what the apostle is saying. To avoid this danger, we are going to extract from his teaching its four most important points. With these bold lines engraved in our minds, we shall clearly see what are the greatest principles of God's Word relating to Christian living in the home.

For many years I lived in a house, but when I married, that house became a home! What makes a house into a home? A wife. This was a fact of which Paul was only too well aware, although he himself was not married. This explains why he begins his teaching on this subject by talking to wives (5:22-24,33). It is as if Paul was saying, 'If your home is going to be the sort of home that God wants to see, you are going to have to be the sort of wife that God wants to see!'

Now, for a wife to be a wife, what must there be? A husband. There cannot be wives unless there are husbands. They are addressed next (5:25-33). The apostle has more to say to them than he does to wives. In fact he has more to say to them than to any other group at home, for reasons which will become clear later. It is as if he was saying to them: 'If your home is going to be the sort of home that God wants to see, you are going to have to be the sort of husband that God wants to see.'

In most cases, though not all, it is not too long before a husband and wife find their home graced with children. These are the people to whom the apostle speaks next (6:1-3). We should note that when his letter was read to the church, Paul took it for granted that the children of the church would be present to hear him. They were not absent when the sermon was given. Paul' s message to them was this: 'For the home to be all that God wants it to be, boys and girls must be the sort of children that God wants to see.'

Of course, it is the arrival of children that makes a married couple into parents. Husband and wife are now also 'Mum and Dad'. The word 'parents' is used in 6:1, but the apostle does not speak to them as such. His remarks about parenting are addressed only to the father of each family (6:4). Why is this? Why doesn't he speak to the mothers as well?

It is because Christ is the head of the man, who, in turn, is the head of his wife and home (see 1 Cor. 11:3). In God's plan, authority in the home is vested in the man, the husband, the father. It is he who, at the final judgement, will be held accountable for the quality and integrity of family life. This does not mean that mothers have no authority over their children. They have a claim to their children's obedience, as 6:1 makes plain. But their authority is delegated to them by their husbands, rather than something they have in their own right. It is not, then, an authority they can exercise when their husbands are at home. In God's institution of family life, it is fathers who are held finally responsible for the upbringing of their children.

Wives, husbands, children, parents – there is no one else to consider in a modem family. How different this is from the situation which prevailed when Paul wrote! In most cases there were other people living at home as well. These were the slaves, whom Paul speaks to in 6:5-8. Tens of thousands of the early believers were slaves, and from their number came some of the finest Christian leaders and preachers of the first century. It was essential that these believing slaves should also know how to live at home, where they spent almost all their time and did most of their work. For a home to be all that God wanted it to be, Christian slaves had to be a certain sort of slave.

The presence of slaves meant that very many Christian men wore more than two hats. Not only were they husbands and fathers; they were also masters. Paul addresses these men in 6:9. Without being sidetracked, it is important for us to realize that a man could still be a master, although he was a Christian. The Bible strongly condemns man-stealing, but it does not condemn slavery as such. In certain closely defined circumstances, one human being may own another. The Old Testament, in particular, makes this abundantly clear. Such slavery had almost nothing in common with the disgusting slave trade which blots European history, nor with the slavery still found in many pagan cultures today. Christian masters were to be careful not to be the same as other masters. Unless they were a certain sort of master, their home life could never be what God wanted it to be.

The Christian life has to be lived at home. This is the theme of the whole passage we are studying. Paul is not dealing with any other subject. We must not, then, take what he says to slaves and masters and apply it to modem employees and employers. The apostle is not discussing industry, but the home. The master - slave relationship of 2,000 years ago has very little in common with the organization of our work-places today. It is illegitimate to take verses completely out of their context and to apply them to situations which they were never intended to address.

Paul is talking about our homes. Why does he spend so much time on this subject? It is because it can be said of too many professing Christians: 'He is a saint abroad but a devil at home.' When they are with believers, such people are very plausible. Even at work, and in the world at large, they stand against wrong and appear to be true Christians. But what are they like at home? There they relax, with their defences down. As they put on their slippers they take off their mask. Their life at home is a disgrace. It is very different to the way they live outside. So much of it is unchristian.

The apostle sets his face against such inconsistency. Home is where we are known the best, misunderstood the most and are constantly open to scrutiny and criticism. But it is supremely here that the Christian life has to be lived, because it is here that the gospel is put to its severest test. If the gospel is unable to transform people at home, we must conclude that it is unable to transform people at all. Ungodly behaviour here shames the gospel. 'He whose light shines furthest, shines brightest nearest home.'

In our passage Paul addresses each person in the home separately, with no overlap. The only exception is at the end of verse 33. Apart from that, what he says to wives, husbands, fathers, slaves and masters is quite distinct. All these people live under the same roof. But the apostle gives them very different instructions.

Now, undoubtedly, wives enjoy certain privileges which are theirs, and theirs alone. The same could be said for each of the groups mentioned. But that is not Paul's theme here. He is not talking about privileges, but responsibilities. Each person in the family must clearly understand what are his or her responsibilities and duties, before he or she ever enquires about any privileges which might be his.

This fact tells us a great deal about Christian family life as God intends it to be. The home is not to be a place where any member asks, 'What can I get out of family life?' Not at all. The questions which each member is to ask and answer are rather: 'What is expected of me at home? What is expected of me?' The difference between these questions is the whole difference between the way a Christian and a non-Christian lives at home. Believers are new people. They therefore live in a new way. Like the Lord Jesus Christ whom they follow, they understand that their calling is not to take, but to give. This they must do, whatever it costs them personally.

But we must underline that the question to be answered is: 'What is expected of me?' What is expected of a wife is not what is expected of a husband. The same is true of children and fathers, and slaves and masters. There are distinct, separate and plainly defined tries for each person in the household. They live together, but each one has his or her own set of duties.

The way for a Christian home to operate is not for me to ask what God expects of him, or of her, or of them, but to be clear what he expects of me. Homes are mined when everybody criticizes everybody else's performance. The way forward is for each person to weigh up before God what are his or her own responsibilities, and to take them seriously. Homes are changed for ever when each person asks the others to help him do what God expects of him personally.

No one can exaggerate the importance of this approach. For example, when we consider more closely what God expects of wives, husbands reading this book will be tempted to ask how their wives are shaping up. Wives, on the other hand, will be tempted to close their hearts to what God's Word is saying, and to take comfort from the fact that their husbands will soon be having their turn! Such is the perversity of the human heart that we are always more interested in the performance of others than in our own. Family breakdown has already started when we criticize others for their failures, and stop examining ourselves in the light of God's Word, asking, 'What is expected of me?'

There can be no confusion about what is expected of each member of the family. God has made it so clear. To each person he has given just one main idea to remember.

The keyword for wives is 'submit'. This is taught in 5:22-24,33. But what does that mean? It means that the wife puts herself entirely at the disposal of her husband. This is not something forced upon her. It is something which she does voluntarily out of respect for Christ. Everything that she is and has is for her husband. This includes, of course, her judgement, her intuition, her intellect, her gifts, her everything. She says to him, in effect: 'Here I am, here is what I am, here is what I have – and it is all for you.' In God's pattern for the family, this is the r61e of the wife. It is not so much to obey, as some wedding services have it, but to 'submit' to her husband (5:22), to be subject to him in everything (5:24) and to respect him (5:33).

The wife's r61e being to submit, we would expect husbands to be called to 'rule'. But they are not. Their role is not authoritarian. Their keyword tells them to 'love', as we see in verses 25-33.

The Greek language has many words for love. One of them refers simply to lust, and that is certainly not a word which Paul uses in this paragraph. Another carries the idea of warm, faithful friendship. Paul does not use that either, because it is not strong enough to convey accurately what a man's relationship to his wife should be. Once more, the apostle chooses the word 'agape'. This is the word which describes Christ's love for his people. It is love which operates through self-sacrifice. It is a giving love which seeks the welfare of the other, whatever the pain, whatever the cost and however great the difficulty. Where God's distinctives for family living are observed, the wife puts herself completely at the disposal of a man who wants nothing but her good, and who is making every sacrifice necessary to obtain it. Could such a couple be anything but wonderfully happy?

The keyword for children is 'obey' (6:1). They must do what their parents tell them. And they must do it for no other reason than that their parents tell them to do it. Parents do not give themselves authority. Their right and duty to command their children is God-given. Any resistance to such authority is therefore rebellion against God himself. No doubt, as children grow towards maturity, their obedience also matures. In the life of a toddler, the 'honour' mentioned in verse 2 expresses itself in unquestioning obedience. When the child has become an adult, this 'honour' remains intact, but expresses itself quite differently, such as in the Care and consideration which is to be given to elderly parents. Whatever their age and experience, children are to look up to their parents. Anything which causes them to do otherwise is a departure from God's law.

But what keyword shall we give to fathers, seeing that there is no clear word to fix on in 6:4? Paul insists that there is something which fathers are never to do: they are never to exasperate their children. Sometimes the discipline of a home brings a child to the point where he thinks he can do nothing right. Everything he does is wrong. The child cries out with a frustration which makes him angry with his parents and resentful of his upbringing. This is never to happen in a Christian home. Christian fathers are never to push their children to this point. Instead, they are to 'bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord' (6:4). A Christlike spirit is to reign in the family. Everything which is done at home, and all that is said there, is to gently and powerfully attract boys and girls to Christ. Even strong action and stern words are to work in this direction. The whole atmosphere of the home is to be conducive to spirituality. The father's r61e with respect to his children is to be an encourager. Now we have found his keyword. He is to 'encourage'.

But what about the slaves? Verses 6:5-8 are easily summarized. What is required of them is consistent, good-natured obedience to their masters. That is the key concept. Christ is their true Master, and they are to behave towards their earthly masters as they would behave towards him! Such an instruction is simply expressed by the apostle. Obedience to it by countless believing slaves revolutionized the structure of Roman society, and paved the way for its eventual abolition of slavery.

And what does Paul say to slave-masters? (5:9). He reminds them that they are over others; this is what makes them masters. But they are also under somebody. They have their own Master. If they remember this, it will have a transforming effect on their lives. For example, they will give up threatening their slaves, because this does not please the Master to whom they themselves will one day give account. Their status in society does not entitle them to preferential treatment in Christ' s court. The keyword for masters is thus 'answerability', because just as their slaves are answerable to them, so they are answerable to their Master in heaven.

Each member of the household, then, has his or her own keyword or concept. Let us now try to imagine a family where each member lives by what he or she has been told. The wife lives for her husband. The husband leads the home, and lives for his wife. The children are obedient. The father is a constant encourager, and even his anger is used to point the family to Christ. The slaves serve their master just as they would serve their Saviour and, in his treatment of the slaves, the master never does anything of which his Master would disapprove. Oh, this home is such a pleasant place to be in! What harmony! In this family there is a touch of heaven on earth.

How sadly different is the family where what we have studied is unknown or ignored! The wife puts herself first. The husband gives no spiritual lead, does not actively seek his wife's good and makes no sacrifices for her. The children pay no attention to what anyone says to them. The father vents his anger on anyone and anything which inconveniences him. The servants are disrespectful and dishonest. The master is self-important and shouts out constant threats. It only takes each person to forget his or her distinctive role for family life to become hellish.

No home is happy where God's directives for family living are put aside. This, in itself, is reason enough to take Paul's instructions seriously. Under divine inspiration he has given us a certain formula for happy family life. But it is not to this point that he appeals as he addresses each group of people. The reasons for his teaching are built on a much firmer foundation than that.

Why are wives to submit to their husbands, as to the Lord? (5:22). It is because this is in line with God' s blueprint for the family. There is a pattern of headship written into God' s universe, and this is to be reflected in the way family life operates. Not only so, but the way a husband and wife behave towards each other is to be a visual parable reflecting the relationship which exists between Christ and his church (5:23-24). The Bridegroom is the Head of his bride, whom he has saved, and she is to be submissive to him. The reasons why wives must submit to their husbands are thus substantial, spiritual and convincing.

Why must husbands love their wives? (5:25). To answer this, we must be aware of a spiritual reality (5:26-33). Christ sacrificed himself for his church. He gave himself for it, that it might be set apart for God. Each Christian testifies to having been thus cleansed and set apart when he is baptized, and the cleansing and sanctifying process is continued as Christ's Word does his work in him. One day the Saviour will take his bride to his home and she will be altogether glorious. There will be nothing to spoil her. She will be perfectly holy. He will do this because he is not something separated from her, but united to her. She is his body. This is why he looks after her in the loving and caring way that he does.

Men who are members of Christ's church are to proclaim this truth in the way that they behave towards their wives (5:26-33). The husband is the head of his wife and he is to be characterized by sacrificial love. He is to care for his wife's spiritual progress and total welfare. He is to remember that in marriage two have become one. He cannot behave towards Iris wife as if she were something separate from himself. Husband and wife are mysteriously united. Her welfare and his cannot be distinguished. In living for her, he does not deprive himself of anything. Rather, he enriches himself. The whole relationship is to be a vibrant and obvious portrayal of the union of the Lord Jesus Christ and his people. These are the reasons which should persuade Christian husbands, of all people, to live by God's Word at home.

Why are children to obey their parents? (6:1). There is such a thing as absolute right and wrong. How do we know which is which? This is decided by God's character, reflected in his law. When we are talking about obedience to parents, we can say that 'this is right' (6:1). In addition, God blesses obedience (6:2-3). The command to honour father and mother is the first of the Ten Commandments to have a promise attached to it. Children do not lose out by obeying their parents, despite what they themselves might sometimes think. Modem peer pressure, and most television programmes, have got it wrong. Boys and girls should close their ears to these other voices and listen to God. Obedient children enjoy his smile and not his frown. They live! This experience is not something they have to wait for. They enjoy it here and now, on the earth. Where children are in any way responsible for their own weak and unhappy characters, they will always be found to be disobedient children. They have not learned to do anything on the sole ground that it is right. Tender human plants which grow on the soil of rebellion against God-given authority are inevitably poisoned.

Why are fathers to be encouragers? (6:4). Paul gives no clear-cut reasons here, but in the parallel passage in Colossians 3:21 he says, 'Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.' God has constituted our world in such a way that parents are the greatest single influence on the life of their children. They can make them or break them. They can shape characters or ruin them. Teachers, neighbours, friends, brothers and sisters certainly play a significant part in forming the child's developing personality. But their power is nothing compared with that of parents. What a high calling is theirs! And in a biblically organized home, where the man is head under Christ, the influence of the father is supreme. Seeing that his input is most likely to be the factor which will decide what direction his child's character will take, let him take his awesome responsibility seriously!

Why are slaves to give their masters constant, good-natured obedience? (6: 5-8). Why are masters constantly to call to mind their own answerability? (6:9). It is because they now live in the real world. The present master-slave relationship is only temporary. Nobody is anybody's slave for ever. Masters will not always have people under them. But all believers are slaves of Christ, and he is the Master of all, be they enslaved or free at this moment. Slaves must certainly do the will of their earthly masters, but in such a way that they are in fact doing the will of their eternal Master, before whom they shall certainly appear. Masters may indeed instruct and rule their slaves, but can never be a law unto themselves. The master-slave relationship which exists on earth reflects a heavenly reality which must not be forgotten. The whole of our life and service is under constant scrutiny by the Lord himself. He will shortly and certainly call us all to account.

In his world, God has set up three institutions – the family, the state and the church. Of these three, the family was set up first, and the other two were initially contained within it. The family is thus very precious to God. He desires that its glory should be seen in the lives and experience of the people he has redeemed. This is why Christ's apostle speaks so fully about family life here.

If Christians live badly at home, they discredit the gospel in the worst manner possible. God intended that the home should be the first place where godliness should be seen, not the last. The sort of Christians we are at home is the sort of Christians we are really.

We close this chapter by stressing what we said at its beginning. It is not easy to live the Christian life at home. It is the hardest place of all. Our guard is down and we cannot escape from the searching gaze of those who know us through and through. Home is where others see us as we are. It is here that we speak so many unwise words and think so many uncharitable thoughts. It is here that our selfishness is most visible. It is the place where the devil attacks us most and is the scene of our worst failures. A few hours at home are enough to convince us all that we still have a very great deal of spiritual progress to make. But how can we learn to live honourably for Christ in an area where all have done so badly?

It is no mistake that the apostle goes straight from the theme of Christian living in the home to that of our spiritual welfare.